Thursday, February 03, 2005

Hey, Dobson! Here's a Few More In the Celluloid Closet!

Funny article passed along by a friend:

Scooby, Do Me
Cartoon character assassination.

by Craig Gilbert - February 3, 2005

Last week, the archconservative Christian group Focus On the Family made the claim that a four-minute music video being sent to thousands of schools this spring promotes the acceptance of the sinful homosexual "lifestyle." And it uses a "questionable" cartoon character to do it: SpongeBob SquarePants. Not long after, Bush Eductation Secretary Margaret Spellings blasted a Postcards From Buster episode wherein the 'toon bunny makes pals with the child of a lesbian couple.

The maker of the SpongeBob video, Nile Rodgers' We Are Family Foundation, uses the Rodgers-penned 1979 disco hit "We Are Family" in the video to encourage universal tolerance. The sexually sketchy SquarePants--he is often seen during his cartoon show holding hands with his best friend Patrick--helped Focus On The Family make the connection between harmless children's cartoon characters, the benevolent quality of tolerance, and homosexuality.

But Dobson and Spellings' critiques only hint at the rampant lavender lifestyles on display in cartoonland. Other deviant fictional characters to watch out for:

Bob The Builder: One of the many stars of the video under scrutiny, kiddie favorite Bob was runner-up for the position of the Construction Worker in the the Village People.

Alan from Josie and the Pussycats: Being a big, muscular guy does not mean "straight." And Alan is as gay as a Boy Scout. His declining the advances of the Goth-bitch Alexandra are not without reason. More proof of his "lifestyle?" One word: ascot.

Rainbow Brite: Rainbows? Y'know? Rain-bows? Get it? If she's not gay (which she most probably is), she supports the amoral homosexual agenda, and that's just as bad as being one.

Casper the Friendly Ghost: Not just gay-friendly, but gay period. Casper is forced to live in purgatory for eternity because of his "friendly" sexual orientation.

Race Bannon from Johnny Quest: Like there was any doubt? The "bodyguard" of Dr. Quest runs about serving the good doctor's every possible whim.

See also "sub bottom."

G.I. Joe team and COBRA collective: Don't ask, don't tell Mom.

Gumby. The smooth, ageless clay-boy and his pony pal Pokey are well known in the "community" for their all-night Amyl Nitrate parties and weekend beach blowouts in Provincetown.

Boo Boo: Small in stature but big in gayness. Wearing nothing but a bow tie (like a Chippendales dancer), this nasaly boy-toy has an obvious desire for large, hairy men. Why else would he run around with Yogi Bear?

Wonder Woman: Icon of lesbian cartoons. Misleading the nation with her patriotic Stars and Stripes costume, she's a dominant Amazonian who will kidnap your daughters and force them to play softball with Rosie O'Donnell.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Sabrina never really went nuts over Archie or any of the boys in Riverdale. And now you know why. She plays the "girlie-girl" Fem role to the hilt. More proof? She's a Wiccan.

Pikachu: Diminutive, fey, gay.