Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Seasonal Silliness

These two were e-mailed to me by a friend. Though they were good for a chuckle.

Holiday Hints

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the

grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well

preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,

martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and

screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"


Office Christmas Party

December 1st


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 2nd


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday
that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this
year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The
same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this
time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 3rd


Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,forget about the
gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel
that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director


December 7th


I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director


December 9th


People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit."

Patty Lewis

Human Ratraces


December 10th


Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit
at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard
them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell


December 14th


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources