Friday, September 01, 2006

The Republican Dictionary

(Emailed by a friend)

The Republican Dictionary
with latest definitions

Alternative energy sources n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

Bankruptcy n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations.

Cheney, Dick n. The greater of two evils.

Climate change n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

Compassionate conservatism n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

Creationism n. Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

Democracy n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News n. [Probably an Anglicism of the French; Faux News] Fiction.

Free markets n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

Girly men n. Males who do not grope women inappropriately.

Growth n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

Habeas corpus n. [Lat.] Archaic Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

Healthy forest n. No tree left behind.

Honesty n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Things are going well in Iraq."

Laziness n. Term used to describe any period of time when the poor are not working.

Leisure time n. Term used to describe any period of time when the wealthy are not working.

9/11 n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy.

No Child Left Behind n. Government policy that insures success for all through guaranteed jobs in the military.

Ownership society n. A civilization in which 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

Simplify v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

Stay the course interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

Voter fraud n. Term used to describe a significant minority turnout.

Water n. Arsenic storage device.

Woman n. 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.